True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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