Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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