yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
