p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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