Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
