so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize