Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
