i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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