a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
