having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
