dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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