Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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