I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
