I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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