I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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