its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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