just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
