I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
