This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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