Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
