I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
