his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
