So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
