Already got asked if we're dating
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
