It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
