So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize