you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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