Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
