worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
