you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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