you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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