My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
