i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Of course I have a pirate flag
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The power of my boobs compel you
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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