I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
