dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my being single is dangerous.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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