this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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