oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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