I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
