it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
