Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize