The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
