Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize