You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
