They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
