Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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