A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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