i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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