i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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