can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
