I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
