I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
