lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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