We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
