Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize