just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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