I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
