god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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