Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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